IÅ¡ Å¡alies. SavianalizÄ—.
2008-01-27Ar stebÄ—jote save kada nors iÅ¡ Å¡ono? Atrodo, neįmanoma. Nebent kas nors slapta nufilmuotų ar staiga sugebÄ—tumÄ—te bÅ«ti dviejuose asmenyse iÅ¡kart. TaÄiau pabandyti juk galima. Tereikia atgaivinti prisiminimus. Nevertinti, nekomentuoti, neteisinti savo elgesio ir susidaryti apie save tik bendrÄ… įspÅ«dį.
KodÄ—l to reikia? Na, kam gi neįdomu, kaip atrodote kitų akimis? GalbÅ«t pažvelgus į save iÅ¡ Å¡ono suprasite, kad esate žmogus, su kuriuo norÄ—tųsi susipažinti. Arba atvirkÅ¡Äiai – su kuriuo nenorÄ—tumÄ—te bendrauti. Juk jei nepatiksite net pats sau, vadinasi, atÄ—jo laikas kažkÄ… keisti.
Mergina. Å viesiai rudi plaukai. Labai purvinas mažas automobilis. Geltonas Å¡viesoforas, o ji, prisispaudusi prie kito automobilio galo, stengiasi spÄ—ti pasukti į kairÄ™. Aplenkia vairavimo mokyklos automobilį. Spaudžia. Stabdo, iÅ¡leidžia iÅ¡ stotelÄ—s troleibusÄ…. Rodo posÅ«kį, pasuka. PrilÄ—tina ir susiraukusi niurzga: “Tai ko tu posÅ«kio nerodai, p*****, iÅ¡ kur man žinoti, kad tu Äia sustoti ketini”.
Ä®suka į kiemÄ…. SÄ—di maÅ¡inoje kelias minutes. AtsiloÅ¡us į sÄ—dynÄ™. IÅ¡lipa: raudonas paltas, juodas Å¡alikas, juodos pirÅ¡tinÄ—s, raudona rankinÄ—, juodi batai, džinsai. Pagriebia nuo galinÄ—s sÄ—dynÄ—s kelis žurnalus. Užrakina automobilį. Eina paskutinÄ—s laiptinÄ—s link. JÄ… pralenkia vaikinas, surenka laiptinÄ—s durų kodÄ… ir palaiko jas, kol ji ateina. Ji nusiÅ¡ypso, linkteli galvÄ… ir užlipa laiptais. Patikrina rankinÄ—s Å¡onines kiÅ¡enes, iÅ¡sitraukia raktus. Atsirakina duris, įeina vidun, užtrenkia jas ir atsisÄ—da ant pinto “pufiko”.
Paglosto murkiantį katinÄ…, kuris trinasi jai aplink kojas. IÅ¡sitraukia iÅ¡ rankinÄ—s mobilųjį telefonÄ…, skaito žinutÄ™, Pradeda raÅ¡yti. Nepabaigus skambina. Kalba piktai, susierzinusi. VaikÅ¡to koridoriumi vis dar nenusivilkusi palto. KalbÄ—dama vis paglosto katinui galvÄ…, o kai tas iÅ¡sitiesia ant žemÄ—s, kaso jam pilvÄ…. Kalba apie 20 minuÄių. Supypsi telefonspynÄ—. Ji pažiÅ«ri pro durų akutÄ™ ir jas atidaro. Vidun įeina vaikinas. Ji ranka parodo, kad kalba telefonu. Atsisveikinusi su paÅ¡nekovu padeda telefonÄ… kambaryje ant stalo ir pakÅ¡teli į lÅ«pas vaikinui. Apkabina jį.
Tai buvo gal prieš savaitę. Net ir iš šio trumpo savo gyvenimo epizodo galiu analizuoti savo elgesį:
-Žinau, kad kartais neatsargiai vairuoju, ypaÄ važiuodama iÅ¡ darbo. Daug keikiuosi maÅ¡inoje. O kÄ…? Darbe negalima, namie nenoriu, kitur vieÅ¡umoje negražu. Kai vairuoju viena, iÅ¡lieju visÄ… savo pyktį. Ir iÅ¡ kur jo tiek daug?
-ReikÄ—tų daugiau Å¡ypsotis. MÄ—gstu žmones, kurie Å¡ypsosi man, taÄiau kai pati esu susiraukusi, juk nesulauksiu Å¡ypsenų. Sako, Å¡ypsokis, tau tinka. Žinau, bet kai jau pusantrus metus neturÄ—jau atostogų, Å¡ypsena kažkur dingo.
-Myliu savo katinÄ…. Kartais jo beribis meilumas grįžus iÅ¡ darbo ima erzinti, taÄiau vis tiek gera, kai kažkas pasitinka grįžtant. TurbÅ«t negalÄ—Äiau gyventi be naminio gyvÅ«no.
-Pastaruoju metu esu irzli. Darbai, artÄ—janÄių vestuvių reikalai, žiemos depresija… Taip, man depresija bÅ«na žiemÄ…, o ne rudenį. TodÄ—l, kad myliu pavasarį ir labai jo laukiu. Nes tada mano gimtadienis, tada nutirpsta sniegas, tada grįžta paukÅ¡Äiai. MÄ—gaujuosi pavasario oru.
-Pastebiu, kad telefonu imu daugiau kalbÄ—ti nei raÅ¡yti žinutes. AnksÄiau vien tik raÅ¡ydavau. O kai už lojalumÄ… gavau 700 nemokamų minuÄių, Ä—miau kalbÄ—ti. Jos jau baigiasi, turbÅ«t vÄ—l teks priprasti prie raÅ¡ymo. Visgi kalbÄ—ti ilgai nemÄ—gstu. TodÄ—l tuo paÄiu metu užsiimu paÅ¡aliniais darbais, kad ir katino kasinÄ—jimu.
-Esu iÅ¡mokyta užrakinus duris jas patikrinti, ar tikrai užsirakino. O kažkam atÄ—jus, paklausti “Kas ten?”. Dabar jau nebeklausiu, žiÅ«riu pro akutÄ™. Na, negaliu bet kam jų atidaryti. Net jei pamatau kažkokį neaiÅ¡kų tipÄ…, neatidarau. O kÄ…, Äia mano namai, duris atveriu kada noriu ir kam noriu.
-Myliu savo brangiausiÄ…jį. Vis dar taip pat smarkiai, nors draugaujam beveik 4,5 metų. KlasiokÄ— klausia: “Laura, ar tikrai meilÄ— trunka ilgiau nei trejus metus?”. Tikrai.
Ar noriu keistis? Noriu. Tapti linksmesnÄ—, daugiau Å¡ypsotis. Laiptais ne lipti, o Å¡uoliuoti. Kaltinu aplinkÄ…: darbÄ…, rÅ«pesÄius. Bet pirmiausia reikia keistis paÄiai. Gal net nelauksiu pavasario – vysiu depresijÄ… Å¡alin. Juk oras dabar taip primena kovo mÄ—nesį.
Komentavimas leidžiamas tik registruotiems vartotojams.
Žavinta
2008-01-27 18:45Visiškai tave suprantu. Nuoširdžiai. Praeitos savaitės mano apmąstymai panašia tema kaip tavo dabar baigėsi tuo kad penktadienį ant mano šefo stalo atsirado prašymas atleisti iš darbo. Užsibrėžiau daug gražių tikslų kurie turėtų pakeisti mano gyvenimą jei ne 180, tai bent 90 laipsnių kampu.
Tad jei nusprendei kažkÄ… keisti – nedvejok!
Dina
2008-01-27 19:00Ech, tas erzulys kartais.
Vis dėlto, laimingi žmonės tie, kurie turi galimybę kažką ne tik keisti, bet ir versti tradicijom.
SalomÄ—ja
2008-01-27 19:20Sėkmės, aš vis bandau bandau.. Bet tu žinai, kad man nesiseka. Palinkėsiu, kad tau pasisektų.
Martynas
2008-01-27 20:45SavianalizÄ— naudinga tada, kai padeda tobulÄ—ti, o ne gniuždo. Manau, kad tobulÄ—jimas yra tada kai įvertini savo elgesį ir, esant reikalui, koreaguoji jį. Gniuždymas – kai kaltini aplinkÄ… arba save, bet negalvoji ar nepasiryžti keistis.
SÄ—kmÄ—s tobulÄ—jant!
Blogorama #321 : nežinau.lt
2008-01-27 21:08[...] iÅ¡ Å¡ono nei tiesiogine, nei perkeltine prasme. Veidrodžiai nesiskaito, nes nuolat meluoja. O kÄ… jei imtume ir pabandytume daugiau mažiau sąžiningai pasižiÅ«rÄ—ti į save iÅ¡ Å¡alies? AÅ¡ pasibaisÄ—Äiau. Ir blogiausia – negalÄ—Äiau trenkti durimis ir daugiau [...]
Aurimas
2008-01-27 22:15Puiki ese, mane suzavejo tavo istikimumas, bramdumas ir nuosirdumas. Dek sau daugiau pliusu, ir maziau mastyk blogai tai kenkia daug labiau nei ziureti bukai i televizoriu…
Saulius
2008-01-27 22:15Džiugu, kad esi pasiryžusi keistis, tik neužmiršk mūsų, skaitytojų, informuoti kaip sekasi progresuoti. O savianalizę gana dažnai ir pats naudoju.
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