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2012-01-18Kažkur yra bÄ—da. Atrodo, esu pavargusi ir kÄ… jau kÄ… – bet užmigti turÄ—Äiau akimirksniu. Per naktį atsibundu milijonÄ… kartų (8 iÅ¡ karto dygstantys dantys yra menkas juokas) ir vis sunkiau darosi užmigti. Niekas netrukdo, bet… galvoje tiek minÄių, kad miegui vietos nelieka. Jos apie viskÄ… – nuo to, kÄ… rytoj gaminti valgyti iki užsienio politikos. Siaubas.
Kartais taip besivartydama norÄ—Äiau prie galvos prijungti kokį aparatÄ…, kuris mintis užraÅ¡inÄ—tų. Tada ryte paredaguoÄiau ir bloginÄiau. Vis kažkiek naudos bÅ«tų iÅ¡ to besaikio galvojimo. Atrodytų, kas Äia tokio – imi ir negalvoji. Avytes skaiÄiuoji ir panaÅ¡iai. Bet jei bandau galvoje nusipieÅ¡ti avytes, tai nemažai laiko praleidžiu tobulindama jų iÅ¡vaizdÄ… iki begalybÄ—s, o tai jau irgi papildomos mintys. Gražių esu “pripieÅ¡usi”. Kai atsibosta pieÅ¡ti, imu galvoti, “o kodÄ—l avys?”, na, ir… suprantate.
JauÄiuosi kaip Liz iÅ¡ knygos “Valgyk. Melskis. MylÄ—k”. KodÄ—l? Pacituosiu: “Kaip visi žmonÄ—s, niekaip negaliu įveikti budistų vadinamo “beždžionÄ—s proto” – nuo Å¡akos ant Å¡akos Å¡okinÄ—janÄių minÄių, sustojanÄių tik tam, kad pasikasytų, nusispjautų ar pastÅ«gautų. Mano nežabotos, nedrausmingos mintys lekia iÅ¡ tolimos praeities į nežinomÄ… ateitį dideliais Å¡uoliais kas minutÄ™ pasigriebdamos po tuzinÄ… idÄ—jų.” Skirtumas tik tas, kad Liz bÄ—da yra minÄių pobÅ«dis, o mano bÄ—da – paÄios mintys. Kaip Liz jos neleidžia susikaupti ir medituoti, taip man jos neleidžia atsipalaiduoti ir užmigti.
Vakar bandžiau galvoti konstruktyviai ir ieÅ¡koti Å¡itos bÄ—dos priežasÄių:
a) man trūksta intelektinės veiklos
b) aš per mažai išsikalbu ir išsidiskutuoju (žodžiu)
c) aš tiesiog visą gyvenimą per daug galvoju
Baisu yra tai, kad sutinku su visais trim punktais. Tiesiog dirbant ar daugiau bÅ«nant vieÅ¡umoje (kas žiemÄ… su mažu vaiku yra sunkoka) mano besaikis galvojimas bÅ«davo arba iÅ¡sakomas, arba realizuojamas, o dabar mintims tenka sprogdinti galvÄ… naktį. DienÄ… galva bÅ«na užkiÅ¡ta tokiais dalykais kaip “vaikas krausto purvinas bulves iÅ¡ dėžės po kriaukle”, “katinas tuoj privems ant sofos” ir “pypt, pypt, pypt, nekenÄiu kilime paslÄ—ptų medinių kaladÄ—lių”, o žodžiai bÅ«na “negalima stumdyti knygų iÅ¡ lentynų”, “dabar eisim valgyti/praustis/miegoti”, “paspausk va Äia, o dabar pažiÅ«rÄ—k, kaip Äia galima pasukti” ir “aunamÄ—s vienÄ… batukÄ…, o dabar kitÄ… batukÄ…”. Ir aÅ¡ laukiu nesulaukiu, kol vaikas ims kalbÄ—ti ir klausinÄ—ti, nes tada galÄ—siu iÅ¡kalbÄ—ti visÄ… savo moteriÅ¡kÄ… žodžių limitÄ… ir minÄių gal nebebus tiek daug.
Komentavimas leidžiamas tik registruotiems vartotojams.
Donatas Noreika
2012-01-19 9:22Tai užrašyk tas mintis, paskaitysim, padiskutuosim :)
Laura
2012-01-19 13:18Matai, dienÄ… ne taip gerai dÄ—liojasi :)
Jolanta
2012-01-20 0:52Mielai padiskutuociau…zodziu.Todel ir siulau porai dienu isvaziuot.:))
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